So I did the wet thirt contest last night...and didn't make it to the semi finals. Ironically enough, the girl that won it was mostly concerned with the size of her guns ("Like, they barely fit an A") and her night job as a burlesque dancer...no wonder she won.

Didn't even get decently drunk-hell, barely felt the buzz-when the angst came this time. I've got to just start coming on Kareoke nights, at least there's something to do (you know, dance to the singers unless they're crooning some stupid fucking love song and singing when it's my turn) besides just standing there watching complete strangers talk and hug and hang out with each other, and then the angst hits just as I'm sitting outside waiting for a cab. Wonder what am I doing wrong here? Am I not femme enough? Butch enough? Do I already need to be spoken for to be spoken to? Maybe I arrive too early? Maybe I need a posse of my own to come with? Does the fact that I'm content dancing with myself (as opposed to hanging out on the wall) scare people? Maybe I'm dressed wrong, I've gone from dressed to the nines, to normal kiki wear, to jeans and t-shirt slack, and nothing...nada... Feel like I'm wasting my time and my money, and I don't even know why I'm there...

Which begets the question "then why go?" I dunno...I'm bored, maybe? Tired of sailing through work just to sit in my room in front of this machine night after night? Want to meet new people and try those silly "trust" "caring" and "empathy" things (it's worth a shot, right?)? Maybe I want to finally go out and do those sexy club things that I like to do, but haven't for so long because no one I know has that same interest-and now I can afford to?

who the fuck knows, really?