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meh, lazy and bummed

no, this is still a public post, I haven't felt much like doing anything this afternoon...


hopefully, I can sleep a little better once I get this out...


There's just something about pulling up to the parking lot of my apartment after work and seeing it empty that just puts a smile on my face.

For about an hour, I can relax, wind down, and let the annoyances of dealing with people for 8 hours (not even mentioning the traffic there and back) just slide off my back. It's quiet. I can walk from one end of the place to the other (naked, if I was that daring) freely. Dealing with dishes or running the vaccum or chopping veggies for dinner or any other chores are meditative exercises. I feel centered. Sometimes I just sit in the living room and enjoy the silence. My awareness just expands, I'm no longer tightly bunched in myself. The solitude is so beautiful, and I'm the truest me I can be.

For that hour, I can just pretend that my dream has come true, that I have a place of my own to call home. There I choose to deal with no one but myself. The problems of the world and other people's issues are left behind the door. They can't touch me beyond these four very real walls.

Then I hear a key turn in the door, and the fantasy ends. The inner walls come back up, the body tenses. My awareness shrinks back to surround me, and I'm disappointed and weary. Where did home go?

I await the magic hour once more.




Well, so much for sleep. Maybe my new best friend Vicodin can give me a hand...

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
goodgoodwill
Sep. 6th, 2006 04:48 pm (UTC)
I sometimes go for a walk just to simulate the feeling.
jaila
Sep. 7th, 2006 09:52 am (UTC)
I'm afraid that I'm not satifised with a simulation anymore...
clayfoot
Sep. 6th, 2006 11:51 pm (UTC)
Vicodin may be your friend, but it's not your best friend.
jaila
Sep. 7th, 2006 09:41 am (UTC)
Let's see:


it takes away the back pain (thanks to respraining it last week),
it calms me,
it helps me deal with the annoyances of living with people...

It's like magic hour in pill form!

all it needs to do is give me a couple of screaming orgasms and it would be my best friend.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )