So, after I signed up for reunion.com...I wanted see who had been searching for my name under my old high school (like just searching by my name wouldn't get me, right? I still haven't gotten around to changing it to something more common yet)

And it was my father.

Looks like I've got to step up that whole name change thang. I mean, I'm doing okay right now. Not perfect, but okay. This is the last thing I need. I don't want to be found. I'm all grown up and want to do things my way. I don't need them anymore. I just want to be left alone. That's all I really wanted...

I'm okay, really...

Yesterday was too nice for words. I spent most of the day at home, and it was quiet, peaceful, nice. I really miss that, and I needed it after nearly months of people-people-people. I really miss solitude and the sound of my own thoughts. Thought I could get just a little bit more today if I got up early, but of course, that was wishful thinking (someone please tell how one can enjoy a game that makes you scream at it? Fucking hell!)


Kinda sad, huh? It's staring to make me feel miserable...

I was really looking forward to aquiring the newest Sims 2 expansion, I honestly was. And right now, I've got the cheese to pay for it...

Then I decided to scope out the system requirements in order to play it.

*sniffle*
It needs a 1 Ghz motherboard, which is a great deal more than my 800.

Looks like I'll be waiting forever and a day to get this one, too...

well, on a high point, high time to learn how to install a motherboard, eh?

so, I drunkenly promised to help out with Rush this year, not forseeing me catching the plauge last week and *then* having to work overtime this week.

Let me tell you a little something about overtime for permanent employees. We don't get paid for it unless we work 8 hours first for compensary time. So I could do 2 extra hours everyday for the rest of this week and then work Saturday and get 8 free hours and 8 hours overtime pay...tempting...

but I don't want to work on Saturday. Not if I don't have to, but that still means I can't help out this year, which makes me a sad jaila.

I'm a bad, bad person...

So I did the wet thirt contest last night...and didn't make it to the semi finals. Ironically enough, the girl that won it was mostly concerned with the size of her guns ("Like, they barely fit an A") and her night job as a burlesque dancer...no wonder she won.

Didn't even get decently drunk-hell, barely felt the buzz-when the angst came this time. I've got to just start coming on Kareoke nights, at least there's something to do (you know, dance to the singers unless they're crooning some stupid fucking love song and singing when it's my turn) besides just standing there watching complete strangers talk and hug and hang out with each other, and then the angst hits just as I'm sitting outside waiting for a cab. Wonder what am I doing wrong here? Am I not femme enough? Butch enough? Do I already need to be spoken for to be spoken to? Maybe I arrive too early? Maybe I need a posse of my own to come with? Does the fact that I'm content dancing with myself (as opposed to hanging out on the wall) scare people? Maybe I'm dressed wrong, I've gone from dressed to the nines, to normal kiki wear, to jeans and t-shirt slack, and nothing...nada... Feel like I'm wasting my time and my money, and I don't even know why I'm there...

Which begets the question "then why go?" I dunno...I'm bored, maybe? Tired of sailing through work just to sit in my room in front of this machine night after night? Want to meet new people and try those silly "trust" "caring" and "empathy" things (it's worth a shot, right?)? Maybe I want to finally go out and do those sexy club things that I like to do, but haven't for so long because no one I know has that same interest-and now I can afford to?

who the fuck knows, really?

so this is what I angst about when I'm drunk...all the booze in the world and all the cock in the world can't fill this emtpiness inside me. But that's okay.....everybody's empty...all the so called love you claim to have is fleeting bullshit...you just have to copewith it..

and that's my new goal, coping with it....

damn, I'm a pair a big plastic frames and a cardigan from being a fucking emo kid....

So after a fucking stupid day at work, I just had to go out...I stalked back home and without saying a word, changed and went out to My Sister's Room. I thought it would be just the normal Retroquest night, but I was mistaken. Last night was a drag show for the tsunami victims. Okay, good cause, I'll stay (I would have loved it if they stopped harping about the poor childern--I mean it's not like there weren't any adults who lost family and homes and livehoods, what about them?)

The drag show was awesome, both boys and girls. Owen and Adam from the Court of Kings were there...I love Adam, he's so damn cute. The queens were (I know I'm spelling this wrong) Jawanna DoMe and Miss Vicious, both awesome (Ms. DoMe was poking fun at various audience memebers--including me for going from a drrty martini to PBR--hey, the unexpected cover charge ate my booze money). Though it seemed that at the end of the show Jawanna had changed into more comforable attire--namely a muscle T, shorts and a baseball cap. I didn't recognize him until the cast call. Seems that he didn't get the chance to wash off the warpaint. It was slightly jarring.

Fun times...I did have my moment of angst, but I kept sipping at my PBR until it went away, and after the show there was so much dancing that I just lost myself.

I'm getting a better handle on what's angsting me so much (thanks to zamiel's virtual whapping with the common sense stick at ass in the morning--thank you sir, may I have another?). Now I just need the conjones to do something about it.

so, technically, today was the last day of the tax temp season, with people running out the door and lots of laughter. I was so looking forward to a week or two of a whole lot of nothing.

Then, my boss comes up to my desk today and whispers in my ear, "Come into work on Tuesday".

So here I am, stuck between "Yay more money!" and "Fuck you, I want my vacation!"

I would have loved to set my alarm on Tuesday morning and shut it off with my middle finger, but I guess I'll be following it into work for Dog knows how long...

...so..tired...

and bored...very bored...

so now I lay me down to sleep, to awaken the next morning and drop 40 bucks once more to go to work for 10 fuck-me hours on a Saturday.

I predict much napping when I return...

everytime I look down...it's like the fucking fleas decide that that's a good time to jump on my legs...

cause I'm not nearly paranoid and jumpy enough, apparently. Sleep hasn't come easy in two nights in a row cause I'm so fucking worried about them on my body and in my hair (which would mean a very unwanted haircut)..

and now i'm about to drop 40 bucks on a taxi, just to get to work at 5 am....


*insert growl here*

So, we apparantly kicked ass at work last week to the point that we have this weekend off. No Saturday, No Monday. You know what? I'm happy.

Unfortunatly, I have to work next Saturday, so no naked woods frolicking for me.

Oh yeah, pick up a copy of Southern Voice (Atlanta's weekly gay rag) and catch me on the "Talk of the Town" section. I got stopped by a reporter while hanging out at Outwrite (ooh, note to self, see if your copy of Savage Love has come in today) who ask me the weekly question and snapped my pretty photo. The question was something about the likelyhood of gays and lesbians to have sex on the first date. Can't remember my answer, though (I'm sure it was something like, "Nothing wrong with that!")

What are my plans this weekend? I dunno...sleep...a lot...I may even crash early tonight just so I can suck up as much sleeptime as possible.

In other news, I'm horny and frustrated, which equals cranky...it's been a while, folks, at least in my terms. It wouldn't be so bad if every time I've tried to get some lately, so random thing stops me. I'm too drunk, I'm on the rag, He's not Interested, He's not Interesting, I forgot a condom, just random stupid shit. It's like fate's waving a dick in front of my face and snatches it away when I reach for it.

*grumble* Hesh wants some sex...

Shorthand for "Oh, for fuck's sake", which is today's theme apparently.

Ran out the door seven minutes earlier than yesterday to catch the bus. Today of all days, it comes on time...

My enternally cheerful, yet not that annoying, lead worker pops by my desk with a list of names.

"Now jaila, I know you want to work on Sunday, right?"

I gave her the same look Stewie gave Brian on the season premiere of Family Guy: you know, that slow neck turn/tilt/"the fuck did you say" look.

"Umm, Fatimah, it's hard enough getting here on mandatory Saturdays"


Then later, my supervisor gathers the whole office for some announcements. Firstly, we're behind. So we're going to try to do a newer, simpler form of sorting and drag people from all over the bulding in to help. Secondly, a reminder that Saturday is mandatory and Sundays are open. Thirdly, if we don't get the mail out and quickly, next Saturday and Memorial Day will be Mandatory.

Pardon me while I beat my head against the wall a lot...

Fuck it, I'm going to Dreaming at DragonHills the weekend after that. I need the catharis of running around in the woods nekkid.

Now I just need a way to get to Carrollton...

(Row, row your boat tune)

cunts, cunts, stupid cunts
stupid cunts all day
now I have a can of beer
to wash it all away

stupid fucking overtime
starting it Wednsday
if they take my Saturday
there will be hell to pay

Another overtime week...but with a free Saturday! Now on earth should I do with it? The possiblities are endless:

1. Go visit zamiel, since it's been forever since I've seen him
2. Go visit Psi U, since it's a while since I've hung out with the family
3. Take myself out for dinner and dancing and stuff, since it's been waaay too long since I've treated myself nice like that.
4. Go hang out with __oni_no_kaze__
5. Stay home and clean my room/tackle the living room
6. Stay home and sleep in a lot

I've been such a homebody lately, mostly because after a 40 to 60 hour week, the last thing I want to do is turn around and pile myself on a bus again for a 1 to 3 hour ride to hang out somewhere...I'm all kinds of boring. And anti-social, I don't even feel like talking most of the time...

Tax season = great for my mental health (since it brings money!); killer for my social (and most importantly, sex) life

bleh indeed...

Two weeks of overtime...Saturdays...next Saturday all 8 hours are mandatory (I'm just working the second half today, hence the late start--I needed the sleep, damnit). Crunch time approaches (I work with your state taxes, so you know what I mean).

I'm really, very exhausted. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight, but I'll figure that out when I return.

Tally ho and shit...

Okay, I wasn't actually going to even post about this until tommorrow, but a special video just got released..and it basically covers my feelings about Point Two (Hotel Indigo) perfectly:

( I'm blue, part deux )

Okay, so the rest of my intinerary is all but forgotten, so here are a few ( moments of interest: )

So yeah, there was some weirdness Saturday night that led to Sundays "pity me" post (which, for my own sense of self respect, I'm thinking of deleting), but all in all, I had a fucking awesome time this weekend...pity it's all done...

( Kiki's Lament )

Okay, so I'm no poet...

sure, the MARTA card I was expecting hasn't arrived yet, thus leaving me in the lurch for getting the fuck out of the apartment before work starts...or getting to work at all...

and The Bedroom is strangely missing one of its denizens...

and I'm going to have to do some creative budgeting to make 50 bucks stick to me until the 31st (shouldn't be hard)...

So I'm a little annoyed right now...but

I Have Pretty Toes!!!

This moment of vainity was brought to me mostly by zamiel, but I think the cute Asian chick who did the design could use some props as well!

So, no MARTA card for Kiki....

I'm not even sure if I have a job...I just got a seperation notice in the mail...which is typical, but I was told to report in two weeks, on the 18th. The notice mentions the "end of temparary employment"...

I'm calling my boss...directly...

Something happened...I wasn't there, so I'm getting second hand reports to glom from...but because of this Something, I feel as if I have to reevaluate how I feel about a few people. I hate this feeling...this "great, now I have to add someone else to the 'do not respect' list" because I try to give everyone a chance, I try to be as impartial as I can, and it sucks when well, I hear or even witness things that just blow it...

wow, I wonder if this is vauge enough...

oh well, i'm posting it anyway