Okay...it's done. My obligation to BBIF is done. I had a great time, but today is was so hard to keep that cheery mask up, it even fell off a few times, that I know I won't be able to hold up tommorrow.

I don't even want to go home yet...still don't feel like eating (don't worry, I am...today it was half a bbq chicken sandwich and half a pepperoni pizza slice, but then again, I was around people who were eating as well...)...still can't go for a moment without having a thought that makes me want to burst into tears...still can't stop bursting into tears...

I know, I know that this isn't going to be over anytime soon, but damnit...I don't know how to deal with something this painful...I've never had to before...and not having a plan makes me nervous and scared...

I did something completely selfish.

I went to the first day of the Black Box Improv Festival.

And I had fun. A lot of fun...a screamingly good time...

And I had a really great time with someone that really likes me and wants to get to know me (and means it in the best way).

I even have a bit of an appetite for the first time since yesterday morning...

I'm torn between going to the viewing and the second day of BBIF...I know that I have to keep my routine in order to get better and over this, and I have obligations to BBIF, and I've been around enough fellow mourners (which is already overextending this whole empathy thing beyond its limits), and that if I'm going to continue mourning, i'd rather do it in the company of close friends, and that the very concept of a viewing sends me into trembles, and I want to remember her the way I see her in my head right now and not in a casket or urn or whatever.....but I've got this guilt thing that is still eating me up.

Luckily, no other car has signed up on the board to go, so this is moot point...I'm glad that people from the house are going. I will send my condolences through them...and improv my freaking heart out tommorrow.