..and LJ reminds me that I haven't gotten that whole "bank account with a card" thing figured out in time to renew the paid account...

time to get it in gear...

To go see Dear Friends tommorrow, or not?

It's a once in a lifetime thing, right? I mean, the cheap seats are only 45 bucks, right? It's not like I'll be starving if I go, right?

Decisions, decisions...

Bad news:

I won't be able to swing the cash for a new piercing, or a hamster, or Kyou Kara Maou DVDs, or perhaps even tickets to Dear Friends...

Good news:

I'm investing in a car...so here's hoping the sacrifices are worth it.

sure, the MARTA card I was expecting hasn't arrived yet, thus leaving me in the lurch for getting the fuck out of the apartment before work starts...or getting to work at all...

and The Bedroom is strangely missing one of its denizens...

and I'm going to have to do some creative budgeting to make 50 bucks stick to me until the 31st (shouldn't be hard)...

So I'm a little annoyed right now...but

I Have Pretty Toes!!!

This moment of vainity was brought to me mostly by zamiel, but I think the cute Asian chick who did the design could use some props as well!

AWA bagde I have....


Money I have not...

*grumbles about stupid umemployment jackasses who won't send checks on time*

It would be such a waste of money to not go...but that whole "how the hell do I eat?" thing worries me..I guess I could subsist on pumperknickle and soynuts for a weekend...

...and it's not even October yet...

Well, I wanted to buy The Sims 2 for my b-day, but it looks like its massive cock will go through my machine like a 12 year old Japanese virgin.

So, I'll be getting myself a new video card for my 24th.

You guys know anyplace I can go to get a decent price for a card? I'm not looking for the newest, fastest thing...just something better than the apparently no-name POS in my machine now (that not even ATI, it's own creator, won't claim it)...

Unfortunatly, I can't do the online shopping thing (no card)...

Why did you fuckers insist that things would work about again, and why in the fucking hell did I believe you?

"Sorry, budget cuts...won't be able to hire a full staff this week...maybe we'll call you next week...."

"Sorry, Ms. Massey, but we've already mailed out your unemployment check..."

"This job requires some physical labor, lifting things up to 90 pounds, blah, blah, other crap you're not physical capable of doing...can you do it?"

Part of me wants to go home and hide in the shower, part of me wants to run outside and see which bus hurts the worst, but I don't trust myself alone right now...time to slap on a happy grin and make nice with the rushees and newbies!

..oww...

So, I went to work today,just to pick up my two errant paychecks....much to my chargin, one hasn't come back to work yet and the nice lady mailed out the other, again, yesterday.


(insert scream of rage here)

So,the nice lady issued a stop payment on my two checks, and a new check (both combined into one), and i should be able to pick it up on Friday...ihope....

I can't relax, can I? I can't have a little break from being dicked. WHy bother, when shit is just waiting to happen just around the corner.

On a high point, I'll be a zombie/rag doll tommorrow...

So, I'm sitting here, late for improv as usual, comtemplating this stupid application for the new apartment i'm sharing. My hands are still shaking, and I've procrastinated up to this point. What if I'm rejected again? Where will I go then? What will I do then? Is there nowhere for me, just because I'm a horrible person of awful credit? I'm so fucking scared right now.

oh well, time to bite the bullet....

*starts writing*

Jeez...how many times can my ass be nearly thrown into, then snatched out of the fire in three weeks, fuck in one weekend. I'm suddenly tired...i'm kinda hungry..and my abs and gi tract are letting me know that they don't like it when my emotions flip about from extremes so quickly, you crazy bitch. And I feel like a jackass. I want to apologize to everyone...even those who had no idea what's been going on in my head this weekend.

on second thought....let's wait until I've actually moved in...*finger crossed*...I'm positive that I can't take anymore sudden drops or disappointments..and I want my fucking stuffed dog..mrew....

Yeah...so my credit sucks *that* badly....and I feel like worse shit because...well, fuck...now I've fucked over a friend as well. Damnit...

Anyone know Jess' (Kaz's ex) number? Looks like I might be taking her up on that whole place-to-stay offer...if I can stand breathing after this weekend....

I'm so glad I never made that promise...now it won't feel like I've betrayed anyone....

sorry, guys...

Note to God, or whatever the fuck the fucking higher power is naming itself these days:

Stop it. Stop kicking me around. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm sick and tired of it. If my lot in life is supposed to be this shitty forever, then kill me now or at least give me the guts to do it myself. If my life is what I make of it, like everyone says it is, then cut it out with the rug-pulling shit once things get good. I'm discouraged...I'm very very tired. Getting up in the morning is starting to not be worth it anymore, because I don't know what shit will get dumped on me today. Are you happy now? Here's what's left of my broken spirit. You win.

I'm going out today, to try and make something out this fucked up hand I got dealt, but I'm sure that you have a few things up your sleeve to trip me up, don't you, you sick fucking bastard? Fuck you, fuck hope, fuck everything.

fuck you very much

me

so, things have turned from sugar to shit real quick. I feel so trapped right now...like there's no way out for me....like I can't catch a break with a break-catching glove....whine, whine, moan, moan...wail and bitch some more.


pity I found the wrong scissors...

....i want to scream....

Gosh, I hate asking for help. To me it feels like I've failed at whatever it is i'm asking about, and that makes me feel a little useless, especially when it comes to something big. I mean, I'm 23 and of somewhat sound mind and sound body. I should be able to work and care for myself.

So, while I'm still feeling like a total failure....

( Help? )

Pardon me while I melt into a shame puddle. Bad Kiki...bad bad bad

Shed my skin and given myself a new name, at least on lj...I think it fits.

...So does my bio. It's a quote that I wrote down years ago from a conversation between myself and Tony-monster...

On a high point, I think I'm safe for this month housing wise...thank you Unemployment Benefits. Now for next month, fuck, i dunno. I'm not even sure if I'll make to Dragon-Con or AWA the month after that...I don't know.

Pardon me, I'm suddenly become very very sad. I'll go away now.

SO, I hobbled to work on Monday, fingers crossed that I would work until Friday. My boss draggs some of us into her office to inform us that, no, we will not be needed after today until July 19. Which makes my financial situation so much more worse. The last week of July will be the week that no money is coming to me, so no house. What's funny is that I will be able to afford that place the week before, and certainly that week after, but just that week I'm screwed.

Wah...

So I angsted about it for the rest of the day, trying to conjure up a "Plan B" (I like plan B's; they keep me sane. Everyone who knew me back then knows how-ahem-emotional i get when I don't have a plan B. I hated it too). I'm applying for unemployment, and hoping that it will take care of what i need...i hope...

*sigh*

Well, I have a lot of different stuff on my mind this week, so I'm going to parse it all up into little separate entries.

Ready? Here we go!

I'm feeling a little ( serious. )